On this episode of Spotlight on eWomenNetwork - Terrie Christine thought she was doing the right thing in her 14 year marriage by sacrificing herself for her husband. She believed that sacrifice meant love. But, as she describes, her love was not reciprocated in the same way. One night at 3am while she lay on the floor in her bathroom wanting her life to end, a voice appeared inside her head that changed everything.
(Partial Transcript with some edits from Interview below)
Love Isn't Always the Answer
PHYLLIS SMITH: Let me go back a moment. What beliefs did you have going into that marriage that made you think that love was it, love was the answer, that you had to have it from somebody else to feel love and to love yourself? Were you raised in a certain way? What were those messages?
TERRIE CHRISTINE: My parents were 15 and 17 when they had their first child, and by the age of 20 they had 3 children - and we were not triplets. During the process of being raised with teenage parents, there was a lot of lack. The one parent, which was dad, was a long-haul truck driver and I never saw him. I only saw him once every other month, and it was almost like being raised by a single parent. When my dad came home, it was like, do this for me, do that for me, do this for me. We were like these tiny little puppets, and as I reflect back upon that relationship, there wasn’t really any love other than seeing that I was the little puppet, and that’s how I was to get love. When I experienced that 14-year relationship, I was constantly living outside of myself being my own internal puppet to show him I how much I loved him.
PHYLLIS SMITH: Give me some examples of what you did because I think there might be some people who are listening or watching this right now who might be experiencing the same thing, but they might not be aware of it. What are some things that you did that were an example of that puppet relationship you had with your husband?
TERRIE CHRISTINE: I was raised Lutheran, and he was raised Catholic, and he wanted the children to go through the process of being affirmed and things. I can’t remember what that is called, but when children turn a certain age they go through this. I agreed because I wanted them to have a sense of community. Once he got a hold of that, everything we did was a matter of what he wanted to do.
I can tell you my life was like Groundhog Day. Every Friday we had pizza or Chinese. Every Sunday after church we went to the grocery store. We only went out twice a year, and both of those were business association things that he had to do. What he would do is tell me, “Well, your other girlfriends never complain they need to go out. Why are you complaining?” He would turn it back on me. I would ask, "Can’t we have a date, and can’t we do things?" But the more he pushed against what I was asking for, the more I backed up because I wanted him to see how much I loved him. I wanted him to see that I was sacrificing, so he would see how much I loved him. The reversal here is that he said in his mind – she is doing it because I love him, and I want to do that. There’s no sacrificing, and their needs are being met, so they have nothing to complain about! They’ll just take it and receive, thank you very much.
I wanted him to see how much I loved him. I wanted him to see that I was sacrificing, so he would see how much I loved him.
You want to do it so everybody’s happy, but the reality in my mind is that I wasn’t happy. I was crying inside. I was pained to think that he couldn’t give me back what I was asking for. That's the result when you are constantly giving and they’re constantly taking, and if you’re not saying anything, then they're happy and you’re not.
PHYLLIS SMITH: You finally had this revelation and now he must deal with that. Did you secretly start getting all those books, getting involved in self-development, understanding and looking for other ways to feel loved and to love yourself? Was he aware of that, or were you kind of doing that in secret?
TERRIE CHRISTINE: Oh no! When I woke up I drove myself to Barnes and Noble. It must’ve been 25 books. He asked me, “Well, what are you going to do with that?” I said, “Well, what do you think people do with books?” There were times when I was reading so much, I didn’t realize weeks would go by, and he would say, “Hey, what about me?” I didn’t realize that I wasn’t attentive because I was now pulling back from his needs, and inside I was meeting my needs by simply reading books and understanding where the love truly was, which was inside of me.
Becoming an Intuitive Life Coach
PHYLLIS SMITH: That’s quite something. You became an intuitive life coach. Explain what that means.
TERRIE CHRISTINE: When I realized after I left that I didn’t really love myself, and I thought back on my upbringing and how I was constantly taking care of the needs of my dad when he was home and the needs of my mom when she came home from work. I was running around and being the middle child, but as the oldest daughter, having to take care of my brother as the woman and my sister as the youngest one. I was always taking care of others and realizing that I constantly gave, and I never loved myself. I started reading and started to understand that I know what it means to self-love.
I was told that when you take the last cookie, that’s selfish, but when you’re in service and really truly love yourself, there’s no ego attached to that. You’re focusing on the balance within your boundaries - how you feel, what you love, and then helping others so that you can catapult them out of their despair, frustration, and pain. I was learning intuitive development and I constantly, constantly worked on myself. I was working on judgement. I was working on self-love doing the mirror technique. I was working on what will it take with me manifesting and connecting to the source. I was working on feeling that everything is good, meaning everything, and focusing on the positive versus the negative and living in full-blown gratitude. Everything I’m happy and grateful for.
I was working on feeling that everything is good, meaning everything, and focusing on the positive versus the negative and living in full-blown gratitude.
PHYLLIS SMITH: There’s life coaches, and then there’s intuitive life coaches. What makes you an intuitive life coach, for people who don’t really understand.
TERRIE CHRISTINE: There was a part of the situation, right before I left the relationship, when my grandfather passed suddenly, and my sister was very attached to him. The year of the anniversary of his death, she became very depressed. I knew that she was going to hurt herself, and I contacted a medium because she wanted to receive answers of why he died, was he in pain, and was he with my grandmother? To make a long story short, this woman that I hired as a medium who never knew either one of us said these things that were so profound that my sister was out of depression. She was grateful, and when I looked back I thought, "I want to help people like that and save their lives." It was almost like taking that little egg and putting it in my basket, and once I released and relinquished that relationship I was in, I started to want to move in that direction, meaning I wanted to be a medium.
I wanted to save lives like that woman did for my sister, but I ended up going in another direction because I couldn’t do the training of how to be a medium. Then I ended up taking all those other things, as I said, and then intuitive development, and what I found out was that when you are releasing your own limited beliefs within and trusting your intuition, then the magic really flips.
The intuition is something as simple as you, Phyllis, walk into a room, and suddenly you’re going, "Man, what just happened in here?" And no one opened their mouth. That’s your intuition and feeling the energy of what’s in the room, but you, my friend, must trust it instead of keeping your mouth shut. I am the one that says, “Okay, I know what happened in this room.” Because your thoughts are energy, and they come out just like a puff of smoke and they go into the collective consciousness. All this energy that is flowing around is flowing through us, and when I was able to release all my limiting beliefs and blocks, I began to trust all these signs.
Now what I do is I connect to the energy of a person, but I take it deep. I take it to the core of when that limiting belief was created. I can tell you not only how old you were, but when the limiting belief was created with you, what happened, and then I bring it to your present and help remove it out of your self-conscious. I’m working deep into those emotional core elements of what’s keeping you from moving forward, and then I take it to a deeper level if you have physical ailments, too. Then I can remove that, too.
Your thoughts are energy, and they come out just like a puff of smoke and they go into the collective consciousness.